Thursday, June 7, 2012

It's a pretty sad couple of days ahead.

Today (7th June) marks the beginning of my world changing forever. At 7am 6 years ago today, I was awoken to the pangs of labour. (Those pangs turned quickly into excruciating waves of pain).

As the years have gone on I am finding myself not getting bogged down in the memories of those days, but when I have a few minutes to myself, I catch myself thinking, remembering, of what was happening.

The only thing that gets me through is knowing the fact that is my little big man's and my gorgeous Nieces birthdays are in the coming weeks.

As for celebrating my daughters birthday, I find it hard, the first year I had a cake with a candle, but it was a hollow celebration, I guess where there's cake there should be happiness and celebration, not sadness and the thoughts of what could have been.

I have told Master N about his big sister and what happened to her, obviously we haven't gone into great detail but he understands she died an can't be with us any more. But tomorrow I will tell her it's her birthday and will celebrate with him in a way he feels he wants to. I don't want to hide his sister from him, I think he has a right to know, be proud that he has a big sister who is watching over him, as she would have done had she'd stayed with us.

Another little niggle that I get especially around this time of the year, is that had we not lost our first child, the likely hood we'd have the Master N we have and adore now would be very small, yes we would have a version of him but not the amazing little creature we have today. I worry that as he gets older he'll make the connection and wonder if he was just a replacement and resent me. Which of course he wasn't, we wanted to have at least 2 children, but not that close together. We were adamant we needed and wanted to get pregnant straight after (as soon as I medically could anyway), which as it turned out was 3 months after giving birth to our daughter.

Mothers guilt, ain't it a grand thing!

Anyway I'll leave you for now, and will try and return tomorrow which would have been our daughters 6th birthday.

TNT...



12 comments:

  1. I'm not really sure what to say, but couldn't go past and not comment. I think we all worry like that. We have two boys and then a girl, and it now looks like our family is complete, and I worry boy2 will think we went on to have our daughter because he wasn't a girl. What knots we mothers put ourselves in.

    Anyway, just wanted to comment, and say I'm thinking of you. Be gentle on yourself the next couple of days x

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    1. We mothers but such stress on ourselves. Ah gee's.

      Thank you.

      G

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  2. Hugs beautiful girl. I don't think it matters what we do, mothers guilt is a terrible thing.

    I hope you and N can celebrate little L's birthday tomorrow.

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  3. Hugs Gem. I will be thinking of you and your gorgeous girl tomorrow.

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  4. I completely get your reasoning....I had a miscarriage fourth pregnancy, which was awful, but if not for that, I wouldn't have my amazing fourth child. And on the celebration side, my boss lost her first child 19 years ago. I know this because last week when I was working with her, she said to me that it was Christopher's 19th birthday. I think it's lovely that it is remembered and celebrated, however you wish to do so. Sending you hugs on her birthday x

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  5. will be thinking of you and your family today. Happy Birthday to your little Angel.

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  6. Sending birthday wishes and healing thoughts. Nothing I can say, but just wanted to say that I feel for you xx

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  7. June 4th celebrated the 23rd birthday of my Godson. Each year I remember and still get teary for what could have been, what sort of child/man he would have been. He has a younger sister who has always known of Daniel, along with two brothers from my girlfriend's second marriage. I always feel for my friends, but know that over the years, their pride and love of their special little man is still there, but their grief is not as heavy. I pray this for you and your partner and that your little man grows up loving his sister as much as if he were here, just like Daniel's siblings have.

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  8. Look after yourself today, I love the thought of celebrating in Master N's way, Hopefully it is a wonderful day

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