Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Depression, you suck balls!

I've suffered from anxiety/depression for years and have been medicated for most of that time. I used to get sever panic attacks, it became quite debilitating to the point where I couldn't return to a job I loved because of it amongst other things.

When we lost our daughter, it hit me all over again. Since then I suffer what I would call bouts one of which I am in now.

Considering the time of year it isn't unusual to feel down, even after 6 years, it still brings back all the memories from those few weeks in June of 06.

I feel like I'm slipping into a deep dark hole, as I fall, I blindly throw my hands around trying to grab hold of something to stop my descent, but there isn't anything.

I try to keep a happy exterior, I'm not sure how successful I am but I try. I catch myself holding my breath, I don't realise I'm holding it until I take a massive intake of air.

I'm lost and feel alone, while I'm not physically, but alone in my mind. Last night while trying to get to sleep, I was just thinking I want to leave, just make a quick and stealthy escape. I want to get out. But of course I knew I couldn't, so I didn't. I love my family more than life itself, but sometimes I think they would be better off with me gone.

I need an adventure, a good adventure, see and do something new. I want to hop in the car and drive, see new places with my family, but I can't as we don't have a car of our own, yes I know we could get the train but it doesn't give you the freedom a car can give you.

I'm going to stop writing this as I can feel the darkness swallowing me. I will be OK, I just need to ride the wave.


  1. Big hugs from one sufferer to another Gem xxx just keep swimming (as Dory would say)

  2. Oh Gem. I know that dark hole too well. Take care. Rug yourself up, arm yourself with an umbrella and get out for some walks. Cabin fever won't help - get some air.
    The adventure your desire might be out of reach... so hey - come learn to knit with me. You know, as I do, the benefits of learning a craft. Maybe you could get some sticks and yarn from an oppy and the repetitive motion and distraction of learning something new, all from the warm cosiness of bed, will be enough to just get you through to the other side.
    My thoughts are with you. Hugs.


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