What I've been up to (design wise)...

Here are some of the designs I've been working on these past few weeks.

A thank you for Amanda

A logo for Scarlet Teeni

A new look for me.

A Facebook cover image (or 3) for OZ Handmade.

If you would like something created by me, feel free to email me :D

Just a reminder Eastside Crafters is meeting again this Tuesday! I would love to see you there.

TNT...

What a difference a day makes....

I can feel the fog lifting, the big black hole isn't so cavernous any longer.

I decided yesterday that I need to get out of the house, breath some fresh air and absorb some vitamin D. So after a sleep in, Mr Musings and I headed off to the Dandys (Dandenong Mountains, for non melbournites.)

I love going up the mountain, and am lucky to live pretty much at the base so it isn't much of a drive. Master N was in school today so it's a day we get the car and some time alone together. Today inparticular we were heading to Sassafrass

Our first stop was the famous tea rooms, Mrs Marples where I dined on some scrummy butternut pumpkin soup, with a hot crusty bun, chips, while Mr Musing equally enjoyed some herb and cheese bread and a pot of freshly brewed earl gray. I really wanted the Devonshire scones but couldn't fit in another morsel.

Next stop was a few shops down the road, Soak Bathacary, a store of smelly delights. I picked up some Sohum Bourbon Vanilla Perfume Petite and Bourbon Vanilla Candlette. They both smell divine! I've been lusting after these for ages after stopping in a on a weekend a few months back. If you can't get to Sassafras you can purchase Sohum cosmetics online and trust me you won't be disappointed. If I could I would get so many of their products!

The next stop was the Sassafras Sweet Co. I made a beeline for the boiled lollies, I can't get enough of these sweet delights.

Sorry for the craptacular pics, they were taken on my phone is Melbourne winter afternoon light!

The last stop on our little adventure was a 'little' trek. I wasn't convinced, I don't do hiking or bush walking, the going down hill part is OK but it's when you want to go back home is where things start to get unpleasant!

At first I thought it was only a 15km trek to Emerald! I turned back! But Mr M told me there was a shorter look walk which would only take 20 minutes. I begrudgingly agreed so off we set.

It was actually a pleasant walk until we got to the end... 

This is what I was faced with to get back to the car...

 It went up and up and up! I eventually made it up, stopping along the way to catch my breath  admire the natural beauty which surrounded me.

So that was our little arvocation, it has helped clear my head and heart.

TNT...

Depression, you suck balls!

I've suffered from anxiety/depression for years and have been medicated for most of that time. I used to get sever panic attacks, it became quite debilitating to the point where I couldn't return to a job I loved because of it amongst other things.

When we lost our daughter, it hit me all over again. Since then I suffer what I would call bouts one of which I am in now.

Considering the time of year it isn't unusual to feel down, even after 6 years, it still brings back all the memories from those few weeks in June of 06.

I feel like I'm slipping into a deep dark hole, as I fall, I blindly throw my hands around trying to grab hold of something to stop my descent, but there isn't anything.

I try to keep a happy exterior, I'm not sure how successful I am but I try. I catch myself holding my breath, I don't realise I'm holding it until I take a massive intake of air.

I'm lost and feel alone, while I'm not physically, but alone in my mind. Last night while trying to get to sleep, I was just thinking I want to leave, just make a quick and stealthy escape. I want to get out. But of course I knew I couldn't, so I didn't. I love my family more than life itself, but sometimes I think they would be better off with me gone.

I need an adventure, a good adventure, see and do something new. I want to hop in the car and drive, see new places with my family, but I can't as we don't have a car of our own, yes I know we could get the train but it doesn't give you the freedom a car can give you.

I'm going to stop writing this as I can feel the darkness swallowing me. I will be OK, I just need to ride the wave.

Holy Crap I made something!

I know crazy hey! It was part I've wanted to make one of these for ages and part I have no money to get a little friends birthday present!

Before I show you I must warn you it ISN'T perfect, there may be some wonky lines but I think (well I hope) my little friend liked it...

Here tis...

Yep it's a car cozy. I used this tute for sizing and then sort of free-styled it! I think it turned out OK. We also added a packet of matchbox cars to complete the gift.

So what have you been making this weekend? Do you make presents, or stick to store bought?

TNT...

Guess how much I love you...

Today marks the day of our first child began life. Lily Grace was born via emergency cesarian at around 9am after 24hrs or labour. She passed away only after 3 days of life. I won't go into the details, I have touched on them in previous posts if you would like to read them but today I would like my post to be more of celebration of her life.

We were given the book, Guess How Much I Love You, Written by Sam McBratney, Illustrated by Anita Jeram by the Paster who preformed Lily's Baptism (at her Dad's request).

For those who haven't seen it or read it it's about a little rabbit, Little Nutbrown hair, and his Dad, Big Nutbrown hair and their adventures into going to sleep. Little nut brown hair is trying to show his Dad how much he loves him by measuring it against things like, how far he can read and how high he can jump. It's a beautiful, simple story but has such meaning for a parent and child.


After the Paster had delivered the religious ceremony, he asked if it was OK to read this book, it was just so beautiful and summed up how I felt about our little girl.






This is the last quote from the book, but it resonates with me.

"Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves, He leaned over and kissed him good night.
Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile "I love you right up to the moon... AND BACK."

Happy 6th Birthday my beautiful sweet angel. I love YOU right to the moon and back.

It's a pretty sad couple of days ahead.

Today (7th June) marks the beginning of my world changing forever. At 7am 6 years ago today, I was awoken to the pangs of labour. (Those pangs turned quickly into excruciating waves of pain).

As the years have gone on I am finding myself not getting bogged down in the memories of those days, but when I have a few minutes to myself, I catch myself thinking, remembering, of what was happening.

The only thing that gets me through is knowing the fact that is my little big man's and my gorgeous Nieces birthdays are in the coming weeks.

As for celebrating my daughters birthday, I find it hard, the first year I had a cake with a candle, but it was a hollow celebration, I guess where there's cake there should be happiness and celebration, not sadness and the thoughts of what could have been.

I have told Master N about his big sister and what happened to her, obviously we haven't gone into great detail but he understands she died an can't be with us any more. But tomorrow I will tell her it's her birthday and will celebrate with him in a way he feels he wants to. I don't want to hide his sister from him, I think he has a right to know, be proud that he has a big sister who is watching over him, as she would have done had she'd stayed with us.

Another little niggle that I get especially around this time of the year, is that had we not lost our first child, the likely hood we'd have the Master N we have and adore now would be very small, yes we would have a version of him but not the amazing little creature we have today. I worry that as he gets older he'll make the connection and wonder if he was just a replacement and resent me. Which of course he wasn't, we wanted to have at least 2 children, but not that close together. We were adamant we needed and wanted to get pregnant straight after (as soon as I medically could anyway), which as it turned out was 3 months after giving birth to our daughter.

Mothers guilt, ain't it a grand thing!

Anyway I'll leave you for now, and will try and return tomorrow which would have been our daughters 6th birthday.

TNT...

Comfort food (which is kind of good for you!)

I've been baking! Well kinda, if cutting circles out of store bought puff is classed as baking, then, I've been baking!

Dad actually found this recipe in a diabetes book, I have tweaked it a little (by tweaking it I've added sugar! Only a little bit but it probably doesn't really qualify as diabetic friendly any more LOL).

The recipe is individual custard tarts with fresh fruit, my version calls for berries in a sugar syrup.

Ingredients
(makes 12)
1 1/2 sheets of low fat puff pastry
Spray oil
1/4 cup custard powder
2 cups low fat milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tbs castor sugar
Fresh or frozen berries (I used two sachets of the McCain baby strawberries and berry mix)
1/2 cup castor sugar
1/2 cup water
1 tbs icing sugar

12, 1/2 cup muffin pan
8cm cookie cutter. I used a egg ring.
Measuring Spoons
Measuring Cups
Saucepans
Cooling rack

Cases
Pre-heat oven to 200c
Cut 8cm round circles out of pastry
Gently press pastry into oiled 1/2 cup muffin tin bottoms so they look like little bowls. Prick each piece several times with a fork.
Cook for 6-8 till golden brown, once cooked take out of oven and using the back of a soup spoon push in the top to make the bowl shape again as it may puff up. Remove from tin and let cook on a cooling rack.

Custard
In a medium saucepan combine custard powder and sugar, add a small amount of milk to make a paste. Add the vanilla extract to the remaining milk and then add to the custard milk. On a low heat, stir continually for 1-2 minutes until thickened. Once boiled take off heat and let cool, giving it a stir occasionally to help cool it down and to avoid lumps. Put aside.

Fruit Syrup
Dissolve sugar and water in a small saucepan buy gently swirling the pan. Once dissolved, turn on heat and allow to bubble. Add berries and allow to simmer for a few minutes. Remove fruit but allow the syrup to cook for another few minutes. Once the syrup is to your liking, remove from heat and let cool.

Assembly
Spoon in some custard and then the fruit. Finish off by dusting icing sugar over the top.

They weren't that sweet considering, and really you may use 1/2 cup sugar but you don't really use much of the syrup so you're only getting a small amount of sugar. You could maybe even take the syrup down to 1/2 cup each of water and sugar.

These would be perfect to take to a dinner or if you have guests over at late notice. They whip up quickly and are sure to impress.

TNT...