Depression, you suck balls!

I've suffered from anxiety/depression for years and have been medicated for most of that time. I used to get sever panic attacks, it became quite debilitating to the point where I couldn't return to a job I loved because of it amongst other things.

When we lost our daughter, it hit me all over again. Since then I suffer what I would call bouts one of which I am in now.

Considering the time of year it isn't unusual to feel down, even after 6 years, it still brings back all the memories from those few weeks in June of 06.

I feel like I'm slipping into a deep dark hole, as I fall, I blindly throw my hands around trying to grab hold of something to stop my descent, but there isn't anything.

I try to keep a happy exterior, I'm not sure how successful I am but I try. I catch myself holding my breath, I don't realise I'm holding it until I take a massive intake of air.

I'm lost and feel alone, while I'm not physically, but alone in my mind. Last night while trying to get to sleep, I was just thinking I want to leave, just make a quick and stealthy escape. I want to get out. But of course I knew I couldn't, so I didn't. I love my family more than life itself, but sometimes I think they would be better off with me gone.

I need an adventure, a good adventure, see and do something new. I want to hop in the car and drive, see new places with my family, but I can't as we don't have a car of our own, yes I know we could get the train but it doesn't give you the freedom a car can give you.

I'm going to stop writing this as I can feel the darkness swallowing me. I will be OK, I just need to ride the wave.