As the years have gone on I am finding myself not getting bogged down in the memories of those days, but when I have a few minutes to myself, I catch myself thinking, remembering, of what was happening.
The only thing that gets me through is knowing the fact that is my little big man's and my gorgeous Nieces birthdays are in the coming weeks.
As for celebrating my daughters birthday, I find it hard, the first year I had a cake with a candle, but it was a hollow celebration, I guess where there's cake there should be happiness and celebration, not sadness and the thoughts of what could have been.
I have told Master N about his big sister and what happened to her, obviously we haven't gone into great detail but he understands she died an can't be with us any more. But tomorrow I will tell her it's her birthday and will celebrate with him in a way he feels he wants to. I don't want to hide his sister from him, I think he has a right to know, be proud that he has a big sister who is watching over him, as she would have done had she'd stayed with us.
Another little niggle that I get especially around this time of the year, is that had we not lost our first child, the likely hood we'd have the Master N we have and adore now would be very small, yes we would have a version of him but not the amazing little creature we have today. I worry that as he gets older he'll make the connection and wonder if he was just a replacement and resent me. Which of course he wasn't, we wanted to have at least 2 children, but not that close together. We were adamant we needed and wanted to get pregnant straight after (as soon as I medically could anyway), which as it turned out was 3 months after giving birth to our daughter.
Mothers guilt, ain't it a grand thing!
Anyway I'll leave you for now, and will try and return tomorrow which would have been our daughters 6th birthday.
TNT...
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