Something I need to get out...

I don't go to counselling, or have a therapist. I did try it once but found I couldn't handle the emotional roller-coaster you go on every session, not to mention having to rehash bad situations you've had in you're life over and over again. So I am going to use my blog to put my feeling and some secrets out into the open to somehow "heal" or "come to terms" with past events. I need to get this out of my head and my heart.

Now before I get started this is probably going to upset some and may be a little too honest for some so I won't be offended if you walk away now....

OK so I guess I need to start at the very beginning.

On the 7th of June 2006 I went into labour two days before my due date. I was in a lot of pain but being my first pregnancy and labour I assumed it was normal. We put off going into hospital for a few hours, I tried to sleep but eventually the pain got unbearable. So we set off. Once we were checked in, I had some gas which took the edge off but I wanted the epi. I lasted 5 hours with just gas and they finally agreed I could have the epi. Finally I was somewhat pain free. I could rest while my body did it's thing. Eventually (about 8 hours later) it was time to push. As I still had the epi I couldn't really feel the contractions, instead I was pushing as per the midwifes instruction. Then all of a sudden my world and life changed for ever....

Something went wrong, all of a sudden I could hear urgency and slight panic in the Dr's voice. They said they would have to cut me which they did but still no baby, then they pressed the "button". Dr's and nurses came for everywhere. My birthing suite shrunk dramatically. I was told there was an emergency and they needed to get the baby out ASAP. Before I knew it I was in an theatre being put under a general anaesthetic.

The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery. The first thing that came out of my mouth was "Is she OK?" The Nurse/Midwife said she's fine and in the Special Care Nursery. She didn't say much else. After I had "recovered" I was taken to the SCN where Mr Musing was already with our beautiful girl. She looked like an angel. She was perfect. She had long arms and legs, a head full of hair, and a face like a cherub. I met my girl and spent a few precious moments with her and her Daddy. We were a family. I was taken back to my room where I could finally rest. I was exhausted. I had been in labour for over 24 hours and had major surgery. Everyone went home for a rest of their own, all was good with the world and that's when my world crumbled for the second time that day. Someone came in (I can't remember if it was a nurse or dr) they told me something was wrong and Lily (our girl) was very sick. They asked to get someone back in to be with me, I told them not to worry as they were exhausted but they were very insistent.  From that moment on things become a blur. She was taken to the Royal Children's Hospital here in Melbourne where she underwent life saving procedures. Which as it turned out were in vain. Our little girl passed away in my arms 3 days after her birth. Many tears were shed, memories made, hugs given. It was over.

In the weeks following her death were spent organising our first child funeral, something no parent should ever have to do. My Sister was a pillar of strength. I don't know if I could have held it together if it weren't for her.

After her funeral, life started to go back to how it was. But for me, life just felt wrong. I felt like I was the ghost walking among the living. I didn't have a place. I couldn't bare the though of returning to work. I couldn't bare being in society. I needed to help myself. I did this by shopping. I shopped and shopped and shopped. I didn't buy anything special, just stuff. But when I bought the stuff I felt better. It took my mind off all the crap I/ We had just been through. I was walking around in a fog.

We were trying to get pregnant again, and after 3 months I was. I could focus my attentions on something other than shopping to appease my emotions.

Along with the shopping I also ignored most of the bills that came into the household. We very quickly were being harassed by debt collectors for balance owed. I ran away even more. When I was 6 months pregnant I finally realised enough was enough. I wanted everything to be sorted before the new baby, a boy, was here. With only 1 income coming in we couldn't afford to pay back who we owed. There wasn't a bank who would help us with our money matters so we made the very hard decision to accept bankruptcy for my debts and take out a debt agreement for M's debts. It was our only choice.

So our debts were wiped but of course I am still now (almost 7 years later) being affected by our decision.

A few months later our beautiful boy was born, he was perfect in every way, he was our beacon of hope. We brought him home we were finally happy....

Then our ASSHOLE of a landlord decided to make our life a living misery and we were basically kicked out. Only we had no savings to rent again. So we were forced to move in with my family where we've been for the past 4 years. Oh yeah and don't forget Mr M was diagnosed with a life changing condition and had to leave his job. Our only car bit the dust and of course we couldn't/can't afford to buy a new one.

So as you can see our world has been turned upside down and inside out over the past several years.

I'm not saying good things haven't happened along the way, but it just feels like it's never ending. I want something positive to happen something life changing for the good to happen. But we are stuck and I don't see a way of getting unstuck.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I'm glad I said it.